Being ill

Fuck my life.
Seriously.
Due to the shitty weather outside and the illness of my sister, my body decided it would be fun to get me ill. Happy joy.
So now, here I am, at my stepdads parents' house, drinking hot chicken soup with noodles.
My troath hurts when I swallow, my ears hurt as well, my nose is runny and my head is pounding. And to make it even better, I'm not here alone. Oh no. The person I believe I dislike the most in this entire universe decided to fake being sick. Which means, I'm here with my stepsister wishing I was at home, where I would be lying in my bed watching Teen Wolf all day. I've counted it, you know? I need to watch one episode every day in order to survive the 42 days I still have to live without the new season. 42 days without the cuties that are Stiles Stilinski, Scott McCall and Isaac Lahey. And the Carver twins, but I don't think they'll be part of it anymore. Just like Allison is gone as well, and Jackson, and Boyd, and Erica. Just as long as Derek Hale is alive, everything will be fine.
Derek and Stiles.
I ship Sterek so hard it's not even healthy.
I also ship Stiles and Lydia (I think it's Stydia, but that somehow sounds like an std, so yeah.) and Stiles and Malia (Stalia?) and Scott and Kira (although Scott and Allison were my otp, but yeah... Screw you for being so cute, Isaac.).

But I'm at these people's house, and it's pretty difficult to say 'Hey, thank you for doing this and stuff, but I'd really like to watch some Teen Wolf, so shut up, will you? Thanks.' Plus, there's this thing called homework that teachers like to give us.
Seriously, though. They could at least try to even it out a little and plan it in a little more beforehand, because we always have thousands of tasks to do, and they don't want to listen when we tell them that we have way too much things to do.
And then there's the fact that parents actually expect from you to be social, and actually talk to people instead of always sitting behind a desk.

They really don't get it.
Plus, there are exams coming in three weeks for which we have to study, but we can't exactly study when they just keep giving us tasks, can we now?

I hate people.
I love them, but I hate them.
If it was up to me, I'd lie in my bed the entire day and only come out to eat something. I would never go to the store, we have this thing called "online shopping", no need to take a step out of the door.
I would just die alone, because every single one of the people I've ever loved, I end up pushing away. Like my boyfriend (or ex, but I refuse to believe that what we had is over)
Or they just pick a fight and take off.
Like my best friend.
Or they die.
Like my dad.
Funny story, that one.
Anyhow, I need to go, be sick, you know.
I'll just read some fanfics on wattpad, or what ever.

Lots of love,
Lee.

I need to love

I've just realized this 16 days ago.
I broke up with my boyfriend, and I've never been so miserable since my dad died.
"Shit happens" they say. Well, fuck you. What my ex and I had  was magical. And yet, I was stupid enough to believe I had to let it go. I'm so stupid.
Passenger sang "you only know you love her if you let her go."
I love him, I just never really knew until we were over.

"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger"

I can't help the way I'm feeling right now.

I'm seeing my boyfriend this afternoon, so I should be happy, but right now, I feel far from happy.
I feel like I got run over by a bus and I'm fighting to stay alive, but everything is difficult to do. It's hard to breathe, it's hard to speak, it's hard to eat. My body hurts, only not physically, but mentally.

I want to die.

My life has been a complete hell so far, the only positive things: Jules, Gab and Renée, Laurent (though he is probably also one of the worst things), Anne, seeing my brother and cutting.
The last one doesn't seem right, but it is.

Cutting has made me who I am, the person I always wanted to be. I've grown more open towards people, I'm trusting more and I've learnt how to love.
I know how to channel negative thoughts into positive ones to prevent myself from cutting, and I realize how much I screw up my body and my life when I cut.
All this because of cutting.
They say 'What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". I used to think that's bullshit. I used to believe that you're the one in control of your own life.
Your life is based on all the shit you went through, even though you don't want it to be.
All the good things in your life are great, but the bad things are the ones you remember the most.
Whatever the good things are, the main things you remember are heartache, loss, disappointments, all that jazz.
You'll remember how badly it hurt to get your heart broken for the the first time, you'll remember how you got bullied, you'll remember the first time you cut and then, you'll smile to yourself and tell yourself how you were invincible, because what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

No matter how happy you are, you always have the bad things haunting you.

We all do.
Lots of love,
Lee.

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